TODAY'S DAMAGE
Trump Seeks Primary Custody of America’s Evenings
Tom Cotton wants winter mornings protected, forcing the Senate to decide which half of the day gets a stable home.
12 hours ago · POLITICAL PARODYPINK SPILL SECTION
TRUMP
THE TRUMP FILE
The latest SPILL parody built from real events involving Donald Trump and his administration.
02
Trump’s Arch Begins Its Apology Tour Before Anyone Has Seen It
Facing lawsuits from both sides of the Potomac, the proposed monument has been advised to project warmth, scale back its silhouette and stop looking so legally ambitious.
14 hours ago
03
Trump Trains Election Monitors to Spot a Loss Without Startling It
The campaign’s new field guide advises watchers to remain calm, avoid eye contact and never announce a result before it has had time to become suspicious.
18 hours ago
04
Blakeman Campaign Hires Theologians to Translate Nicki Minaj’s Endorsement
The candidate’s team was thrilled to receive divine-intensity support until it had to turn it into a mailer about property taxes.
20 hours ago
05
Trump DOJ Opens Precrime Division for Ballots It Cannot Find
The new unit will stop suspicious votes before they commit the crime of being counted.
2 days ago
06
G20 Ministers Leave Atlanta With Matching One-Star Reviews of Diplomacy
Unable to agree on war, trade or language, the world’s top diplomats discover a durable coalition against the phrase “critical moment.”
2 days ago
07
White House Debuts Celebrity Translator for Human Consequences
The new office will turn every clemency case into a sentence powerful people can hear themselves starring in.
2 days ago
08
Alaska GOP Declares Lisa Murkowski an Uninsurable Political Event
After her Democratic endorsement, Republicans discover their party-loyalty policy excludes the one senator everyone knew was already on the mountain.
3 days ago
09
DHS Tells 40,000 Exposed Employees to Develop a More Mysterious Vibe
The department’s new anti-doxxing strategy asks federal personnel to become too bland, evasive and spiritually beige to track.
4 days ago
10
Marco Rubio’s Personal Capacity Seeks Recognition From the State Department
The administration insists the secretary of state was merely campaigning as a private citizen, leaving diplomats to ask which Rubio keeps the nuclear phone.
4 days ago
11
Trump Campaign Adds Epstein Intermission to Keep Rallies on Schedule
The new segment promises a tightly controlled encounter with spontaneity, followed by forty-five uninterrupted minutes about gas prices.
4 days ago
12
Melania Trump’s Ceasefire Reveals Washington Has Been Negotiating With Its Mouth Open
A localized humanitarian deal leaves the capital facing its gravest operational challenge yet: doing something before holding a panel about it.
4 days ago
13
Fed Places Inflation on a 90-Day Performance Improvement Plan
Jerome Powell says the cost of living has heard the feedback and will now schedule several meetings about it.
5 days ago
14
John Healey Turns Britain’s Energy Shock Into a Breathing Exercise
Twenty million households get £100, while the Treasury asks everyone to inhale through inflation and exhale directly into a bank levy.
5 days ago
15
Trump and Texas Win Best Original Lawsuit Against Themselves
The legal drama’s only casualty was the ancient custom of pretending both sides wanted different outcomes.
5 days ago
16
Trump Gives Flávio Bolsonaro a Platinum Upgrade for Losing Brazil
The new White House loyalty program rewards disputed defeats with lounge access, diplomatic sympathy and absolutely no connection to the country that voted.
5 days ago
17
Ilhan Omar’s Hasan Piker Event Sends Minnesota Politics to Brand Safety
The review was meant to determine whether Hasan Piker was safe for public association; it accidentally evaluated the rest of government.
6 days ago
18
Jesse Watters Flags Obama’s Michigan Rally for Late-Game Interference
The fictional review booth says the former president may have illegally advanced the ball by making a complete sentence in public.
6 days ago
19
Blakeman’s Puppet Charge Sends Hochul Into Shared Political Custody
New York’s governor may now spend alternate weekends with her own campaign message.
7 days ago
20
GOP Opens Suburban Accent Clinic for Vulnerable House Members
The first lesson is speaking about a family budget without accidentally naming three billionaires.
7 days ago
21
Elon Musk Sends Ukraine’s War to Content Moderation
The appeal will be reviewed by a rotating panel of algorithms, contractors and one extremely concerned policy intern.
7 days ago
22
Netanyahu Makes West Bank Security Decisions Report to His Pollster
The campaign’s new rule is simple: no national-security response may proceed without a clear voter takeaway.
1 week ago
23
Midwest Voters Put Every Campaign Promise Through the Price Scanner
The region’s new political checkout system has discovered that “kitchen-table issues” rarely arrive with a receipt.
1 week ago
24
Lula Makes Brazil’s Cabinet Practice Its ‘I Can Change’ Speech
With a runoff tightening, every ministry has been asked to identify the exact moment it began taking the relationship for granted.
1 week ago
25
Nigel Farage Releases France Analysis With Conclusion Pre-Installed
The new platform can process a foreign crisis in seconds, provided the crisis agrees not to introduce any inconvenient causes.
1 week ago
26
Ukraine Learns Its Air Defense Is Managed by a Group Chat With No Admin
The speed limit has been lifted, leaving only the small matter of discovering who had the button.
1 week ago
27
Texas Republicans Discover Their Immigration Crackdown Has a Customer Churn Problem
After winning voters with border politics, the party now needs an apology strategy that does not sound like another border policy.
1 week ago
28
White House Lets Grocery Aisles Set Canada Trade Policy
The new tariff system asks only one question: can this product make a congressional district feel something?
1 week ago
29
Virginia’s Redistricting Map Insists It Only Knew Louise Lucas Socially
The lines are not under indictment, but they have abruptly become very interested in the distinction.
1 week ago
30
White House Makes Press Secretary Candidates Explain Trump Before He Finishes Talking
Karoline Leavitt’s search for a replacement reportedly begins with the only skill Washington cannot teach: hearing the sentence after the sentence.
1 week ago