TODAY'S DAMAGE
Trump DOJ Opens Precrime Division for Ballots It Cannot Find
The new unit will stop suspicious votes before they commit the crime of being counted.
2 days ago · POLITICAL PARODYYELLOW SPILL SECTION
THE CABINET
THE DEPARTMENT OF THIS SEEMED LIKE A GOOD IDEA
Secretaries, agencies and administration machinery enter the SPILL universe.
02
Pentagon Tells Ukraine’s Air Defenses to Press 3 for Accountability
The military’s new support line can locate a satellite in orbit but still needs a manager to identify the person who slowed it down.
4 days ago
03
DHS Tells 40,000 Exposed Employees to Develop a More Mysterious Vibe
The department’s new anti-doxxing strategy asks federal personnel to become too bland, evasive and spiritually beige to track.
4 days ago
04
Marco Rubio’s Personal Capacity Seeks Recognition From the State Department
The administration insists the secretary of state was merely campaigning as a private citizen, leaving diplomats to ask which Rubio keeps the nuclear phone.
4 days ago
05
John Healey Turns Britain’s Energy Shock Into a Breathing Exercise
Twenty million households get £100, while the Treasury asks everyone to inhale through inflation and exhale directly into a bank levy.
5 days ago
06
Lula Makes Brazil’s Cabinet Practice Its ‘I Can Change’ Speech
With a runoff tightening, every ministry has been asked to identify the exact moment it began taking the relationship for granted.
1 week ago
07
White House Lets Grocery Aisles Set Canada Trade Policy
The new tariff system asks only one question: can this product make a congressional district feel something?
1 week ago
08
White House Makes Press Secretary Candidates Explain Trump Before He Finishes Talking
Karoline Leavitt’s search for a replacement reportedly begins with the only skill Washington cannot teach: hearing the sentence after the sentence.
1 week ago
09
JD Vance Turns Federal Fraud Into a Creator-Economy Vertical
The new federal hustle rewards Americans for spotting waste, provided their suspicions can survive the comments section.
2 weeks ago
10
Habba’s $50 Million Deal Prompts White House to Hire a Coincidence Coach
The administration’s new consultant says the first rule of an unrelated event is not scheduling it directly beside another unrelated event.
2 weeks ago
11
DOJ Announces California Citizenship Playoffs, Gives State 48 Hours to Make Cut
The federal government says the bracket is airtight, except for the part where nobody can see how the seeds were chosen.
2 weeks ago
12
Marco Rubio Makes Foreign Leaders Qualify for a Visit by Not Needing One
The administration’s new relationship strategy rewards countries that can keep every emergency discreetly behind the buffet table.
2 weeks ago
13
Susie Wiles Gives White House Jobs Their Final Interview on Fox
The administration’s new exit process lets employees discover they’ve been fired when the host starts gently repeating the question.
2 weeks ago
14
JD Vance Begins Testing His 2028 Answers on Today’s Gas Prices
The vice president assures worried Americans their concerns have been received, tagged and scheduled for a later release.
2 weeks ago
15
DHS Drops ‘Strong Case’ Trailer Before Ilhan Omar Court Hearing
The administration insists Americans deserve a gripping teaser now, with admissible evidence arriving sometime after the season finale.
2 weeks ago
16
JD Vance Promises Democrats Their Accountability Table Will Be Ready in January
The White House says concerns about access, influence and ethics are being held under the name “Congress, Potentially.”
2 weeks ago
17
Trump Makes Ambassadors Responsible for Whatever He Hates Reading
The new State Department standard asks diplomats to protect American interests, strategic alliances and, above all, the president’s morning mood.
3 weeks ago
18
DOJ Discovers Ilhan Omar’s Home May Contain the Government
A judge’s limits on a search force prosecutors to confront the possibility that Congress does not clock out at the Capitol.
3 weeks ago
19
DOJ Tells Networks They Can’t All Look at Trump the Same Way
Katie Zacharia’s first assignment is ensuring no two cameras accidentally form a functioning press corps.
3 weeks ago
20
State Department Offers Donors a Concierge for Their Unfinished Expectations
The new service promises that no politically connected disappointment will go unanswered, un-escalated, or left without a fruit plate.
3 weeks ago
21
Pentagon Appoints Trust-and-Safety Team for Its Own Execution Livestream
The new unit’s first finding is that the public can be protected from the broadcast only after watching it responsibly.
3 weeks ago
22
DOJ Rebrands Every Voter as a ‘Developing Lead’
The Civil Rights Division insists nobody is under investigation; America is merely moving through a highly personalized democracy funnel.
3 weeks ago
23
Tom Barrack’s Pipeline Advocacy Reclassified as a Complicated Professional Friendship
The State Department insists nobody benefits when two people with history simply happen to discuss a $15 billion future together.
3 weeks ago
24
Hegseth Sends Pentagon Hunting for Enemy He Keeps Bringing to Work
The new counter-culture task force has identified one alarming vulnerability: the morning briefing.
4 weeks ago
25
Rubio Assures Iceland America Has No Plans It Can Discuss
The State Department’s new reassurance strategy asks allies to focus less on the alarm and more on America’s impressive refusal to engage with it.
4 weeks ago
26
Tillis Regret Sends Hegseth’s Confirmation to the Behind-the-Scenes Committee
After years of rewarding Cabinet nominees for looking ready on camera, the Senate finally investigates whether anyone knows what happens after the close-up.
4 weeks ago