TODAY'S DAMAGE
Trump Seeks Primary Custody of America’s Evenings
Tom Cotton wants winter mornings protected, forcing the Senate to decide which half of the day gets a stable home.
12 hours ago · POLITICAL PARODYCYAN SPILL SECTION
ELECTIONS
DEMOCRACY WITH A RECEIPT PRINTER
Campaigns, ballots and the machinery of getting elected — real events, fictional escalation.
02
Trump Trains Election Monitors to Spot a Loss Without Startling It
The campaign’s new field guide advises watchers to remain calm, avoid eye contact and never announce a result before it has had time to become suspicious.
18 hours ago
03
Blakeman Campaign Hires Theologians to Translate Nicki Minaj’s Endorsement
The candidate’s team was thrilled to receive divine-intensity support until it had to turn it into a mailer about property taxes.
20 hours ago
04
Republicans Offer Moral Authority Free for 30 Days With Code MIDTERMS
The trial includes limited governing, no surprise accountability, and a cancellation process voters have already begun in person.
2 days ago
05
Senate Campaigns Start Apologizing to Voters Who Already Voted
A late-breaking scandal, a revised economic plan and one regrettable podcast appearance have arrived after the customer already checked out.
3 days ago
06
GOP Learns Rural Loyalty Has a Sell-By Date
A new campaign quality-control unit discovers that a photo beside a combine is not the same thing as product stability.
3 days ago
07
Trump Campaign Adds Epstein Intermission to Keep Rallies on Schedule
The new segment promises a tightly controlled encounter with spontaneity, followed by forty-five uninterrupted minutes about gas prices.
4 days ago
08
Mike Collins Asks November 3 to Lower Gas Prices Before It Votes
Georgia’s Senate race enters its final week with one candidate placing the national energy market under the supervision of a Tuesday.
5 days ago
09
Fox Gives Congress Notes Before Its Big Midterm Season Finale
The network’s expanded election operation reportedly needs clearer character arcs, less procedural dialogue and one Senate race capable of surviving a commercial break.
6 days ago
10
Jim Jordan’s Florida Endorsement Leaves Common Sense With a Scheduling Conflict
Mike Beltran got the phrase every campaign wants, then discovered it had agents, riders and prior commitments.
7 days ago
11
Blakeman’s Puppet Charge Sends Hochul Into Shared Political Custody
New York’s governor may now spend alternate weekends with her own campaign message.
7 days ago
12
Netanyahu Makes West Bank Security Decisions Report to His Pollster
The campaign’s new rule is simple: no national-security response may proceed without a clear voter takeaway.
1 week ago
13
Midwest Voters Put Every Campaign Promise Through the Price Scanner
The region’s new political checkout system has discovered that “kitchen-table issues” rarely arrive with a receipt.
1 week ago
14
Democrats Beg Voters to Stop Treating ‘Midterm’ Like an Elective
After months of warning that everything is on the line, party strategists discover they named the emergency after a test people traditionally ignore until midnight.
1 week ago
15
Supreme Court Declares Voter Confusion a Protected Election Tradition
Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson’s dissent is rejected after accidentally making the rules too understandable near an election.
1 week ago
16
Ilhan Omar’s Campaign Lists Trump Administration as Its Most Expensive Donor
After Omar’s fundraising video, Washington discovers there is no contribution limit on accidentally making your opponent look defiant.
2 weeks ago
17
Trump Campaign Places France on Retainer for American Panic Footage
The arrangement hits trouble when Paris keeps sending context instead of flames.
2 weeks ago
18
Trump Becomes Israel’s Most Demanding Swing Voter
Netanyahu’s campaign discovers that an endorsement from Washington comes with the emotional needs of a voter, a donor and an uncle who has seen the seating chart.
2 weeks ago
19
Obama’s Michigan Rally Requires El-Sayed to Open for Himself
Detroit voters reportedly asked the campaign’s biggest guest star to stop making the candidate look like the venue.
2 weeks ago
20
Congress Adds Hazardous Mail to Election Workers’ Expanding Job Description
Having already made them referees, archivists and conspiracy-theory customer service, Washington discovers one more responsibility it can call local control.
2 weeks ago
21
Republicans Discover the Word ‘Affordability’ Now Has Surge Pricing
With fuel costs climbing, campaign consultants learn every synonym for “cheap” has entered peak-demand pricing.
3 weeks ago
22
New York Governor Debate Reclassified as a Workplace Dispute With Trump
Hochul and Blakeman are ordered to use “I statements” about the man neither can stop putting on the agenda.
3 weeks ago
23
Ken Paxton’s Campaign Makes Texas Republicans Verify They’re Not John Cornyn
A new loyalty system has already locked out the one person still willing to answer the phones.
3 weeks ago
24
India’s Election Commission Asks Voters to Confirm They’re Still Watching Democracy
After opposition parties marched to the Supreme Court, the country’s electoral system unveiled the first civic experience designed by someone who thinks citizenship needs a skip-intro button.
3 weeks ago
25
Trump Enters Eight Unfinished Wars in Nobel’s Consideration Category
The conflicts have been asked not to make any sudden military moves that could hurt the campaign.
3 weeks ago
26
Republicans Put Trump on a Legacy System Before the Midterms
The president remains essential infrastructure, provided nobody lets him install another update during a town hall.
3 weeks ago
27
DOJ Rebrands Every Voter as a ‘Developing Lead’
The Civil Rights Division insists nobody is under investigation; America is merely moving through a highly personalized democracy funnel.
3 weeks ago
28
Finstad and Johnson Turn Minnesota Debate Into a School-Bus Primary
With tariffs dividing them and childhood transit uniting them, outside groups rush to locate the only swing voters who remember the seating chart.
3 weeks ago
29
Flávio Bolsonaro Campaign Adds Opening Credits to Prove He’s the Lead
The runoff operation insists the candidate is starring in his own presidency, subject to notes from the creator.
4 weeks ago
30
Rahul Gandhi’s Protest Is Flagged as a Duplicate Entry
India’s fictional election bureaucracy says the opposition leader may be real, but his objection has appeared in too many locations.
4 weeks ago