Tom Homan Debuts Walk-In Investigation Kiosk Outside Fox Studio

Tom Homan on Friday unveiled the federal government’s first walk-in criminal-investigation kiosk, a brushed-aluminum booth stationed just outside a television studio so any inquiry that has been announced on air can finally begin enjoying the conveniences of retail.

The kiosk, called Investigations Express, features a velvet stanchion, a bowl of government-issue peppermints, and a small take-a-number dispenser that prints either “YOU MAY BE A PERSON OF INTEREST” or “PLEASE SEE CUSTOMER SERVICE.” Homan said the concept was designed for investigations that are too important to explain but too urgent to remain inside an actual office.

“For too long, federal investigations have required investigators, records, notices, evidence and other old-fashioned obstacles,” Homan told reporters beside a display rack of commemorative lanyards. “Now the public can see that something is happening in a clean, climate-controlled environment.”

Under the new model, an investigator announces that an inquiry exists, staffs a kiosk near the nearest cable-news camera, and waits for the investigation to arrive voluntarily. Visitors may select from three service options: General Concern, Ongoing Matter, and Please Do Not Ask Me For Specifics. The premium Ongoing Matter package includes a pager that buzzes whenever a panelist says “no one is above the law.”

The rollout encountered an early complication when kiosk employees discovered that the person supposedly connected to the investigation had not been given the kiosk’s location, hours, parking instructions, or the four-digit code needed to enter the waiting area. Homan’s office addressed the problem by placing a laminated card on the counter reading, “IF YOU ARE THE SUBJECT OF THIS INQUIRY, PLEASE ASK A PRODUCER.”

Federal procurement documents show the kiosk was initially intended to be a seasonal passport-renewal booth, but officials concluded it could be repurposed after replacing the brochure rack with a rotating cube labeled “THINGS ARE GOING ON.” A separate podium has been installed for announcing that further details cannot be discussed.

By late afternoon, the inquiry had become so popular that it generated a second line: one for reporters seeking confirmation, and another for federal officials seeking directions to the investigation they had already confirmed. The kiosk closed at 6 p.m., though the automatic gate remained open for anyone carrying a camera crew.

Before leaving, Homan pulled down the metal shutter, switched off the neon question mark above the counter, and reminded reporters that the government would continue pursuing the matter with all the urgency of a food-court phone repair booth waiting for its first customer.