Paxton, Talarico Turn Texas Senate Race Into Rival Gas Stations

Texas Senate candidates Ken Paxton and James Talarico announced Monday that their campaigns would henceforth operate as rival full-service gas stations, following a weekend in which both men endorsed cutting federal taxes at the pump.

Paxton opened Paxton Petroleum & Constitutional Car Wash outside a Dallas strip mall, where staff in navy polo shirts directed motorists toward a row of campaign-branded fuel islands. Customers received a free windshield cleaning, a pocket Constitution, and a laminated card explaining that the federal gas tax could be eliminated permanently if enough people found the correct nozzle.

Across town, Talarico unveiled Jimmy’s Temporary Price Relief Depot, a more modest operation offering coffee, tire-pressure checks, and a six-month gas-tax holiday represented by a large ceremonial pair of scissors hanging over Pump 4. Campaign aides stressed that no actual tax policy could be redeemed at the station, though drivers were encouraged to place their receipts in a clear acrylic “Washington Gets Too Much” bin.

The arrangement initially appeared to lower tensions. Both candidates agreed that gas was expensive, that voters disliked expensive gas, and that a podium beside a gas pump produced unusually favorable local-news footage. Trouble began when Paxton’s campaign accused Talarico of offering complimentary windshield fluid without identifying a funding source.

Talarico responded by releasing an eight-point plan to close the “Big Squeegee Loophole,” under which multinational oil companies would be required to supply every Texas household with one emergency paper towel roll. Paxton called the proposal an attack on small businesses and immediately promised that his station’s vacuum machines would never ask customers for their pronouns.

By Tuesday afternoon, the race had become a logistical emergency. Paxton’s station installed an 80-foot flagpole visible from the interstate. Talarico countered with a diesel lane for freight trucks and a customer-service desk staffed by a former city permit clerk who could explain the difference between a tax suspension and a campaign promise in under nine minutes.

National consultants arrived to advise both operations that voters preferred “authenticity,” prompting Paxton to begin personally checking oil levels in a suit jacket and Talarico to spend forty-five minutes trying to make exact change from a campaign bus cupholder.

The standoff ended only after the Texas Department of Transportation informed both campaigns that neither location had filed the required permit to convert a Senate contest into a petroleum retail concept. Paxton’s team vowed to fight the order. Talarico’s team said it would pause the order until prices came down.

At press time, both candidates had agreed to meet at a neutral gas station, where they will debate beneath the nacho-cheese dispenser and attempt to lower federal diesel taxes by pressing the button marked “pay inside.”