FBI Reassigns Every Agent to a Parking Garage Identity

WASHINGTON—Following reports that hackers claimed to have obtained data belonging to thousands of federal agents, the FBI announced Wednesday that it had retired all agent names and reassigned personnel to federally approved parking-garage identities.

Under the new security protocol, agents will be known by designations including “North Annex, Level 3,” “Visitor Deck, Row J,” and “Compact Only, Permit Required.” The bureau said the move would make stolen personnel files useless because no criminal organization could determine whether Special Agent Daniel Ruiz was now “Garage B, near the elevator that smells faintly of wet carpet.”

“A name is merely a convenience exploited by adversaries,” said an FBI official wearing a laminated badge that read WEST LOT—NO OVERNIGHT PARKING. “A parking instruction is a way of life.”

The transition reportedly hit an early complication when the Washington Field Office discovered that three senior agents had been assigned the identity “Reserved for Hybrid Vehicles,” while the bureau’s entire cyber division was listed as “Validation Available With Purchase.” Human Resources resolved the conflict by moving cyber to a small laminated placard reading “Take Ticket,” which officials described as both operationally secure and spiritually appropriate.

Agents have been instructed to introduce themselves at crime scenes using only municipal wayfinding language. In a test of the system, one agent reportedly told a witness, “You’ll want to proceed up one ramp, ignore the first two exits, and locate me beneath the flickering fluorescent tube.” The witness was then directed to an FBI customer-service line, where an automated voice offered to repeat the instructions slowly in Spanish.

Officials said the program would also improve interagency cooperation. DEA personnel will now be identified by loading-dock designations, while Homeland Security officers will rotate through a series of temporary curbside pickup zones. The Secret Service, however, has declined to participate after discovering that “Authorized Vehicles Only” was already in use by Congress.

By late afternoon, the bureau faced a final security concern: hackers might eventually obtain the parking assignments themselves. In response, FBI headquarters ordered all agents to switch immediately to the same identity—“Visitor Parking, Two-Hour Limit”—and report to work before towing begins.