Netanyahu’s Caretaker Government Leaves Israel an Extremely Detailed House-Sitting Note

This is a fictional parody inspired by a real election result.

With neither major bloc appearing able to assemble a parliamentary majority, Benjamin Netanyahu’s government has reportedly embraced its likely caretaker status by leaving Israel an extremely detailed house-sitting note on the kitchen counter of the Prime Minister’s Office.

The note, handwritten in a thick black marker and taped beside a bowl containing several unexplained security briefings, asks whoever eventually forms a government to please bring in the mail, avoid touching the regional deterrence settings and understand that the refrigerator makes a loud noise sometimes but “that is normal and not necessarily a coalition issue.”

“The prime minister is not saying he owns the house forever,” said one fictional aide, speaking from beneath a cabinet key ring large enough to require its own security detail. “He is simply the responsible adult currently preventing the place from being burgled, flooded, invaded, inspected or governed by people who have not yet demonstrated they know where the emergency flashlight is.”

Early projections gave the opposition coalition led by Gadi Eisenkot more seats than Netanyahu’s bloc, but not enough to govern without support from Arab parties. Netanyahu’s allies, meanwhile, have argued that winning the most votes gives them a special relationship with the property, similar to a tenant who did not pay enough rent to keep the apartment but did receive the most compliments from the landlord’s cousin.

At first, the caretaker arrangement seemed straightforward. Netanyahu would keep the lights on, feed the state’s more temperamental institutions and make sure nobody parked in the wrong geopolitical space. Then a question arose that has derailed less complicated households: if the sitter is only supposed to be there briefly, why has he begun reorganizing the pantry by strategic depth?

Within hours, the office had produced a 42-page “Temporary Custodial Authority Checklist,” clarifying that no major decisions would be made unless they were urgent, unavoidable, internationally significant, politically advantageous or located within arm’s reach of a telephone.

The checklist also instructs the next government not to move any furniture until it has consulted “the person who knows why the furniture is there.” That person, naturally, is the caretaker.

Opposition negotiators initially objected to the tone of the note, particularly a passage reading, “The dog has no dietary restrictions, but it does respond badly to unilateral concessions.” They were told the dog was metaphorical, although three ministers later arrived at a closed-door meeting carrying biscuits and asking whether the metaphor had been vaccinated.

The real complication emerged when representatives of the Arab parties arrived to discuss whether they might support a minority government. The caretaker office, eager to maintain strict neutrality, offered them tea and then asked them to wait in the hallway while every other party separately explained why it would be delighted to form a historic governing arrangement provided nobody had to be photographed participating in it.

That is when Israel’s political system discovered that a caretaker government is not like a caretaker at all. A normal caretaker is hired because the owners are away. This caretaker is still standing in the doorway, explaining that the owners have not technically agreed who owns the doorway, the hallway or the legal definition of being away.

To ease the transition, Netanyahu’s team unveiled a shared digital calendar allowing any prospective coalition to reserve time slots for governing. The calendar immediately filled with entries including “possible unity government,” “definitely not unity government,” “Arab-party consultation, private,” “Arab-party consultation, denied,” and “urgent meeting to decide whether the meeting counts.”

By evening, the government had added a final instruction to the house-sitting note: “If a new prime minister arrives, please do not let him in until he can confirm the Wi-Fi password.”

It was the one coalition condition everyone agreed would be impossible to meet.