Pope Leo Makes Europe Check Territorial Ambitions at Security

Europe’s leaders will now be required to place all territorial ambitions, historic resentments and lightly used spheres of influence in gray plastic security trays before entering diplomatic meetings, following Pope Leo’s call for the continent to confront the desire for domination driving modern wars.

The new Continental Humility Screening Program began Monday at a converted arrivals hall outside Brussels, where heads of government shuffled through a metal detector labeled NOTHING TO DECLARE BUT PEACE. Officials said the procedure should take no more than 45 minutes per delegation, excluding any claims dating to before 1815.

“This is not punitive,” said a European Commission spokesperson, standing beside a table piled with unlabeled crowns, antique maps and several sealed containers of national destiny. “It is simply impossible to have a productive discussion while someone is wearing an ancestral grievance in their coat pocket.”

Leaders are permitted to retain one personal item of regional influence, though it must fit inside a transparent one-liter bag. Larger aspirations must be checked at the desk and collected after the summit, unless they are deemed a threat to cabin stability.

The program immediately encountered complications when several delegations arrived with century-old border disputes still partially filled with sentimental liquids. Security personnel asked them to discard anything over 100 milliliters of manifest destiny. One minister reportedly requested a private screening room for a claim involving a river, a mountain pass and a 14-page appendix from 1923.

To prevent delays, Europe has hired a private contractor to sort ambitions into three categories: “symbolic,” “unresolved,” and “absolutely not going in the overhead compartment.” A fourth category, “temporary security concern,” was created after officials discovered that every item in the room had been tagged temporary.

By afternoon, the collection area had become so valuable that member states began quietly negotiating control of it. The commission responded by placing the tray room under joint administration, prompting immediate objections that joint administration sounded suspiciously like a sphere of influence.

Pope Leo was informed that the first day had produced fourteen bins of domination, six garment bags of strategic depth and one carry-on marked “for defensive purposes only.” Europe said it would store the items safely until leaders demonstrate they can travel without them.