Alito Recuses, Supreme Court Builds Oil Company Velvet Rope

WASHINGTON—Following Justice Samuel Alito’s recusal from a major climate case involving oil companies, the Supreme Court on Tuesday installed a 14-foot velvet rope across the front steps and hired two retired nightclub bouncers to determine whether pending litigation had “a name on the list.”

The new Judicial Neutrality Perimeter, assembled before sunrise by a federal contractor specializing in airport stanchions, includes brass posts, a laminated seating chart, and a small sign asking oil companies to wait behind the rope until their financial relationship with every branch of government can be “reviewed at a comfortable walking pace.”

“Recusal is a solemn constitutional process,” said a Court spokesperson standing beside a red carpet labeled NO PECUNIARY INTERESTS PAST THIS POINT. “But the American people also deserve a clear visual signal that no justice will be allowed near a disputed fossil-fuel asset without first being asked whether they are with the party, plus one, or an aggressively diversified retirement portfolio.”

The system immediately created complications when a clerk attempted to bring in a cart of bottled water and was asked to disclose whether the plastic had ever traveled in a petroleum-based vehicle. The cart was ultimately admitted after being placed in a sealed evidence bag and escorted through the employee entrance by a marshal carrying a tiny flashlight.

By midmorning, the Court had expanded the procedure into a full conflict-management experience. Justices arriving for oral arguments were issued color-coded wristbands: green for “no known financial overlap,” yellow for “please consult chambers,” and red for “do not approach a public utility, index fund, or decorative flagpole without counsel present.” A fourth wristband, beige, was reserved for reporters asking what any of this meant.

The Court then unveiled the Neutrality Lounge, a soundproof waiting room where potentially conflicted justices may watch proceedings on a television delayed by 30 business days. The lounge contains a complimentary coffee station, a copy of the Code of Conduct under glass, and a customer-service bell that rings directly into a conference room called “Appearance of Impropriety B.”

Officials said the policy will remain in effect until the Court can develop a more durable ethics framework, or until someone remembers that the building has several other entrances.

At press time, the bouncers had denied entry to a lobbyist, a Chevron-branded pen, and the concept of indirect ownership, which arrived wearing sunglasses and insisting it knew the chief justice.