Trump Unveils Federal Recycling Bins for Unfavorable Polls

President Trump has announced the National Poll Grievance Recycling Program, a new White House initiative requiring all unfavorable surveys to be placed in federally approved blue bins before they can spread through the country and frighten otherwise excellent numbers.

The program was unveiled beside a row of industrial shredders on the South Lawn, where staff members in safety goggles fed laminated polling cross-tabs into a machine labeled only with a large eagle silhouette. Officials said the bins would be installed at campaign offices, television studios, newspaper lobbies and any diner where a voter appears to be holding a clipboard.

“A number can be very damaging when it is loose,” said a White House spokesman, standing in front of several compressed cubes of shredded pie charts. “Once it has been responsibly processed, it becomes a harmless material for government landscaping, welcome folders and certain very festive parade streamers.”

The initiative follows a court setback for Trump’s lawsuit against the Des Moines Register and pollster J. Ann Selzer, which challenged a pre-election Iowa poll. Under the new system, any poll showing an unwelcome result must be deposited within 24 hours, along with its margin of error, methodology and any respondent who seemed suspiciously available on a weekday afternoon.

But the rollout encountered an immediate complication when several favorable polls were mistakenly tossed into the bins by junior staff members trying to demonstrate enthusiasm. Environmental officers halted the operation after discovering that positive surveys cannot be mixed with negative ones because the combined material becomes “politically non-biodegradable.”

The White House has since established separate beige containers for favorable polls, which will be preserved in a temperature-controlled vault beneath the Eisenhower Executive Office Building. Visitors will be permitted to view them through reinforced glass during designated confidence hours, provided they first sign a waiver agreeing that all visible trends are historic.

The discarded unfavorable polls, meanwhile, will be pulped into what the administration calls Certified Narrative Mulch. The first batch is scheduled for use around the White House rose garden, where it will nourish a new hedge trimmed into the shape of an approval rating that officials say is still being finalized by landscaping counsel.

At the end of the ceremony, workers wheeled one last oversized bin toward the briefing room. It was fitted with a motion sensor, a stainless-steel lid and enough capacity for an entire cable-news panel.

By lunchtime, the bin had already been designated a national monument to recycling, accountability and numbers that know when to leave.