Democrats Add Airport Security to the Big Tent

WASHINGTON—The Democratic National Committee unveiled a major upgrade to its longstanding “big tent” Monday, replacing the metaphor with a 40,000-square-foot departures terminal where every coalition member must now pass through security before being allowed to say they are part of the coalition.

Under the new system, elected officials, activists, donors, streamers, union leaders, college volunteers and people who once appeared in the background of a livestream will place their personal beliefs in gray plastic bins and walk through a full-body scanner calibrated to detect “unhelpful associations.” A Transportation Coalition Administration officer then asks whether each guest has packed more than 3.4 ounces of controversy.

“This remains the biggest tent in American politics,” said a party consultant wearing a laminated badge marked GUEST—PLEASE DO NOT QUOTE. “We are merely ensuring that no one enters the tent carrying a viewpoint that becomes larger than the tent on cable television.”

The facility contains separate lines for Labor, Climate, Donors, Young Voters, Centrists, People Who Are Furious at Centrists, and a premium TSA Pre-Check lane for senators who have already issued a statement expressing concern. Guests in the latter lane may keep their shoes on, provided the shoes have not been photographed near a controversial person.

Problems began almost immediately when the scanner flagged the entire online-left line for “high-volume affiliation residue.” Staff attempted to direct the group to a secondary inspection room called the Dialogue Lounge, only to discover it had been booked for a private fundraiser featuring a panel titled “Authenticity Without Consequences.”

Party officials then issued a color-coded wristband system. Green wristbands identify people who are fully welcome. Yellow wristbands identify people who are welcome but should stand behind a plant during press events. Red wristbands identify people who are technically part of the tent but must use the employee entrance, located two counties away.

By late afternoon, the tent’s fire marshal warned that the coalition had exceeded capacity. Rather than exclude anyone, Democrats announced a compromise: the tent itself would be folded into a regulation-size carry-on, placed in an overhead compartment, and checked only when the plane lands somewhere politically safe.